by Samir Kapur

26/2/90 – My problem in speech from the beginning till the day I joined the speech clinic.

I think it was after going to hostel that it started. I had gone to hostel at the age of six or seven years old. I stayed there for only two years but I used to cry a lot. I was very much attached to my mother so in the hostel I was not at all good in studies. Then I came back to Delhi and was put in school here. I don’t remember it much from where I started stammering. After coming from hostel I was not good in studies at all. I used to say I don’t want to study. Even in school I used to avoid reading etc. if the teacher asked me. I used to avoid doing my homework at home and instead do it in the class. I think from there I started stammering slightly. Then in 10th, 11th and 12th its frequency increased. I started avoiding answering phone calls. Even to say “Hello” I used to take a lot of time. I was not good in studies, so whatever I used to say no one used to bother much. My stammering was increasing with each passing day, due to which I started losing confidence. I started avoiding going out or socializing with others. I couldn’t take decisions anymore, not even when I had to decide about my career after college. My family members started complaining that I used to work very slowly. The things which I know I can do it myself but didn’t do it because I couldn’t push myself and because lacked confidence due to my stammering. My brother is so fluent in speaking. I started to get depressed and avoided talking at home.

26/2/90 – The day I joined the speech clinic up till now how I feel.

I don’t think that I can get it right. I don’t have confidence in me at all. I also think this will take a lot of time. But no harm in trying. Now that so many days have passed I feel the same. I feel there’s no improvement in me. I get depressed when I think of it because talking is must wherever you go and if you cannot talk properly you feel bad about it. Let’s see what happens in the future.

11-1-91 - “Self Analysis of Speech” After my last write-up till now (March- December 1990)

In my last write-up on (26-2-90) I wrote that I don’t feel any improvement because it was very early for me to say about my speech because only twenty days had passed.

But now I can give my self analysis of speech very well. Now I feel much relaxed about my speech because first of all my facial expressions are right. Earlier my facial expressions were very bad because when I used to talk to someone I used to put lot of stress on certain words, due to which I used blink my eyes profusely, my lips movements were not right and one could easily make out that I stammer. Now my facial expressions are perfect. By doing exercises of speech I have controlled my “Rate of Speech” which was very fast before and I used to stammer a lot in talking. My reading was also very bad because of fast rate of speech. Now I can control my rate of speech in reading and interact with spontaneity.

Recently two new stutterers have joined the clinic with same problem as me. I had a spontaneous and interactive discussion with my therapist and others in their presence. They compared my speech with theirs and did not consider me having any disorder. But still I feel that I have problem in speech, because it was a bad habit for so many years, which has improved a lot.

Now I am confident and can talk properly to anyone. But still I think that my speech is not fluent completely. I feel with continuous practice, very soon I would be able to talk fluently and perfectly.