by Subhash Malik

I, Subhash Malik, aged 35 years, am presently working in the Supreme Court of India.

WHY DETAILED

I am told to give a synopsis of my stammering history and analyze myself under the able guidance of my therapist. My entire life is related to this stuttering problem. Stammering and me – me and stammering – both have become synonyms and are inseparable. One cannot be treated in isolation. I can’t think of my life without stammering. It has pervaded my entire life and is responsible for all my failures. Had there been no stammering I would have risen in life today and reached dizzy heights. BUT that was not destined to be. Thus I am going to give a detailed background reminiscing my past.

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

As far as my memories go and I am able to recollect, stammering was never there in the childhood. I have all along been a brilliant student throughout my life. Whenever any question was put I was the first to raise my hand and answer. I remained the Monitor of my class as well all along.

As luck would have it, I suffered Typhoid fever when I just switched over to a new School in class 5th. The Summer Vacations attack rendered me bed-ridden for nearly two months. I presume, and still believe, this has been the cause of weakness of my tongue muscles resulting in stuttering which with the advancement in age, aggravated due to consciousness. I still recollect my trifle with my elder brother and I was unable to speak due to emotions and used to stutter. This was being mocked by him and in the result I started keeping silent. Of course, this did cause frustration in me and I tried to engage myself in books lest I may have to speak. I did blossom in academic field, but at the cost of my all-round personality, because by now I had become an introvert by nature.

Be that as it may, I did gain a boost whenever my instance was quoted, other students and I was encouraged in extra-curricular activities. I took part in games in the school as well as enact a part in Mahabharata (Indian Mythology). All this was due to encouragement given by my teachers and I am till to-date beholden by their graciousness and generosity. I dominated the home-front as well. Being a brilliant student I was widely respected amongst all boys and girls in my colony. I was at my best in Carrom and Cricket as well. There were many times competitions with many onlookers but I never trembled. A superiority complex inhered in me and this lent me great help in overcoming my shortcoming.

COLLEGE DAYS

After passing my Higher Secondary with 59.4% marks, a good second division, I applied for admission in B.A. English Honors course in Delhi University in four colleges. English has always been my favorite subject. By this time I had been very much conscious about my stammering and it was aggravated to a large extent. I could not repeat the thing I uttered if asked to and thus I used to avoid speaking as much as possible.
My name did figure for admission in Saint Stephens College, Hansraj College and Ramjas College. I shirked being interviewed at St. Stephens because of its high standards, as read in newspapers. Gathering courage I went to Hansraj College and sat at the end. To most of the questions I replied ‘sorry, I don’t know/remember’, obviously because I wanted to avoid the situation. Naturally, I was not selected. Left with no other option I took admission in Ramjas which took me taking into account my academic record. To soothe me, a letter from Hansraj College invited me to take admission but I did not think it proper to switch over.

You will laugh at me when I say that till January I was completely unaware about the syllabus. I used to attend the classes but was not able to comprehend properly. Due to shyness I used to avoid questions. Fluent speaking students did cause depression/frustration in me but I just carried on. After mustering courage I asked the fellow students to tell me the syllabus and then I started preparing myself for the examinations. As was obvious I failed in the First Year having secured 36% and 33% marks in two branches. Remaining of the four papers were cleared by me. I just missed the target of minimum pass marks of 40%. I was amazed to see that some students did secure 4 and 6 marks. I don’t know what earned them these petty marks. I was happy that in comparison my 36 and 33 marks were on the higher side.

This was the first failure of my life and thus depressed me as well as my parents a lot. I came to know that if you have secured more than 25% marks in Honours course, you can get admission in BA Pass course in Second Year. I was desperate to save my one year and thus switched over to Second Year Pass Course. I missed most of my classes and always used to remain in the Library as I had to clear 8 papers, 4 papers of each year. When the results came I had not only cleared all the 8 papers but I had topped the class as well. Everybody in my class was astonished at the ‘dark horse’. I secured myself a front seat and was venerated by everybody in the class. This gave me a lot of confidence and to a large extent I overcame my stammering as well.

Here I decided to go in for speech therapy and went to AIIMS. A group observed me and explained it to me that there was nothing wrong in my tongue and I should get rid of this feeling.

EMPLOYMENT MARKET

I took my last BA Final Exam on April 1, 1976. Sitting idle for 4-5 days with nothing at all to do, I joined shorthand classes as suggested by my father long ago. With plenty of time in hand and of course gradual interest generated therein, I soon overshadowed all students in the class. English was my main asset in success. Very soon I made a place in the hearts of my teachers and my stammering was purposely neglected by them by encouraging me maximally to read out the transcript.

My first appointment was in Hindustan Insecticides Limited as a Typist. I did pretty well in the interview because mere spellings were asked.
I gave up this post after 4-5 months and joined another concern as PA to Editor. I must say my English was greatly improved there. Stammering did trouble me at times but my efficiency made them neglect this handicap.

My first job was as a Junior Stenographer in the Ministry of Finance where I had a chance to work with the top brass in leave vacancies. Those days my stammering was at its peak. Reason was that all the Stenographers/Pas used to sit in a pool and we had to speak over the telephone before 10-12 people. This used to cause psycho-fear in me and I became tongue-tied. I had to pull myself to ooze out a word and this resulted in embarrassment, frustration, depression and the like. I till to-date remember the words of our Director, “He is a good stenographer but not a good PA”. But I too was helpless.
Meantime I got an offer from Supreme Court. Nothing much was asked in the interview and I joined it on 2.11.1978. Many a time I was posted at the residences of the Hon’ble Judges in leave vacancy. Here a plus point was that there was a separate room and thus there was less difficulty over the phone. Some difficulty was experienced in reading out the dictation but I had to bear it with a depressed heart.
It was at this stage that I contacted a speech therapist who gave me the following points to improve my speech:
1. Guttural sound
2. Easy language
3. Rhythm exercise.
4. Timed, stretched reading
Basic points:
(i) take the breath
(ii) prolongation of vowels,
(iii) inter-spacing
(iv) pause after 3-4 words.
Momentarily, there was some relief for a few days but the same old situation prevailed.
It was at this juncture I started analyzing myself.
These points were:
1. Hurriedly counting till 200
2. Different sentences consisting of words mainly starting with a, e, i, o and u.
3. Lip swinging and tongue twisting
4. Translation from Hindi to English and vice-versa was most important and beneficial.
5. Reading spellings separately.
6. Remembering poems and telling myself loudly.
7. Reading a play and enacting character wise.
8. Reading alphabets from ‘Ka’ to ‘Ha’ with all the vowels.
9. Singing songs.
10. Singing songs with the singer.
Rigorous regularization is not adhered to these self-made principles and thus swinging is there.
Despite my helpless problem I have not given any chance to my bosses to grumble. My dedication, sincerity and devotion to duty have overcome my handicap.

Last year I had a chance to appear for an interview before a Board of Supreme Court Judges. I must say I did pretty well, beyond even my expectations and felt quite elated. I was the only candidate selected for the post. It is matter of no concern here that I had to forego that promotion because my Judge did not want him to left alone at the time of his impending retirement.

On April 2, 1990 I saw an ad for a Speech Clinic in a local newspaper and after 4-5 days under a fit of depression I telephoned. I was convinced and started undergoing the therapy since April 20, 1990. It is now nearly three months. Here again there is a ‘swing’ but noticeable improvement is there in that my ROS has reduced considerably, repetitions are comparatively far less and confidence is aroused; to a large extent secondary features have been eliminated. But this is a long-drawn process and I am not expecting miracles within a set time-frame. Regularity of exercises is an indispensable pre-requisite and there can be no compounding of that. I am sticking to this principle and endeavoring to my utmost in that direction. Time is the essence and I am leaving sufficient margin on that count. A few days back a debating get-together took place in the clinic. To my satisfaction I spoke well and felt jubilant. I have not completed the course till-to date and I am sticking to accomplish it successfully. I hope my past will remain buried and will no longer haunt me.

Whatever noticeable improvement is there, it is all due to the persistent effort of my therapist and I am beholden to him for treating me like a personal friend and guiding me in the right direction. With this sustained efforts I hope and trust, feel and believe, that I shall overcome my stammering habit for good.
Before I part I would like to say a word about a colleague – a dynamic young gentleman Dinesh Mehta. It pained me to see that such a handsome personality is afflicted with this dreadful disability. Gladly, he has apparently overcome his speech problem within a short span. It was after meeting with him that I stuck to my regularity and made a chart for daily exercises. I may take a little more time but his indelible imprint will always remain there for all time to come.